


hold my hand (so i don't wander for long)

by pansykoo



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Platonic Cuddling, Vulnerability, best friend wooyoung, like as in san's best friend but also just wooyoung being the best friend ever, no beta we die like men, san is a good boy who i (and wooyoung!!) will protect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:42:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26558353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansykoo/pseuds/pansykoo
Summary: “do you ever feel like…” san paused a bit mid-sentence, trying to make sure he was saying the right words. “like your only two options are to please others by fitting into the mold they’ve spelled out for you, or to be yourself and disappoint everyone you’ve ever known?”
Relationships: Choi San & Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	hold my hand (so i don't wander for long)

**Author's Note:**

> this is my apology for saying i would post another fic by the end of may and then falling off the face of the earth.
> 
> also...............i apparently only know how to end fics one way so don't read this back to back with my other one,, i didn't realize till i was literally about to press post that the last couple lines are almost identical.. i've told you, now let's all ignore it. :D
> 
> title from mist by ateez

“do you ever feel like…” san paused a bit mid-sentence, trying to make sure he was saying the right words. “like your only two options are to please others by fitting into the mold they’ve spelled out for you, or to be yourself and disappoint everyone you’ve ever known?”

the question hung in the room, heavier than wooyoung could’ve ever expected, and he wouldn’t have been surprised if it caused space and time to fold in on itself, creating a blackhole right there in that moment in the middle of the studio. but it didn’t and wooyoung took his friends words in.

he looked up from where his head was laying in san’s lap on the couch in the vocal practice room to try and get a look at san’s face, to understand how he should respond.

they’d been there for hours, starting out as a lesson and practice, but slowly unravelling into one of those conversations that can shorten the length of red string tying two people together.

“i don’t think the people in your life could ever be that disappointed in you, san. everything about you is something to be proud of,” wooyoung said.

“you don’t know everything about me, wooyoung,” said san, who reached his hand to wooyoung’s hair and started carding through it without lifting his head from the back of the couch.

“you don’t know how much i know about you, san,” said wooyoung. san’s hand stilled. “i may not know every one of your secrets, or habits, or preferences, but i don’t need to know all those things to know you.” he watched for his friend’s reaction to his words, the only hint that he’d even been heard was a slight purse of san’s lips that disappeared back into a neutral expression immediately. “i know that you’re hardworking. and i know that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. i know that you’re gentle. i know that you care about others more than anything, and that you’ll protect your own friends at the cost of your own wellbeing. and it’s cause of those things that i know nobody will ever be disappointed in you for good. and even if you somehow managed to disappoint every other person on earth, you’ll never disappoint me enough to lose me.”

somewhere in wooyoung’s words san’s hand had started moving through wooyoung hair again. wooyoung felt san take a deep breath in, the inhaled air shifting his head slightly on san’s lap, holding, then moving back to where it had been before. finally, san hummed out a soft sound, and somehow that was an adequate response for that moment.

wooyoung’s phone buzzed. when wooyoung dug it out of his pocket and lit up the screen the time read 12:38AM.

_yeosang: when r u guys gonna b home?_

“it’s late, san-ah,” wooyoung said softly.

san finally lifted his head and looked down at wooyoung. there was something hard in his gaze, but after a moment it was blinked away and slight dimples were showing up on san’s cheeks.

“wanna walk home? we could stop at the 7/11 on the way out,” san suggested, and the blackhole atmosphere from earlier seemed miles away.

“okay,” wooyoung smirked, “you’re paying though.”

“okay,” said san without a beat. he tapped his fingers on wooyoung’s head to signal him to get up, and with that they let a little space in between them again.

their relationship went in ebs and flows like this on a daily, maybe hourly basis, one moment connected so closely they were basically one, entirely in their own world, and another seperated by distance and people, happy to float around on their own a bit knowing they would always come back together again in the end.

——

“hey wooyoung, can i tell you something?” asked san. they’d been sitting together playing kartrider for over an hour now, mostly in silence, sometimes broken by curses under their breath.

“yeah, shoot,” wooyoung said, not looking up at first, but then feeling san’s eyes on him and lifting his head.

they looked at each other for a moment, and san didn’t say anything. he just looked at wooyoung with a storm of thoughts in his eyes, kind of like he had his breath caught in his throat.

“nevermind. i forgot what i was gonna say,” san said, then he blinked and the storm blew away and a strained smile replaced it across his face. “sorry,” he laughed.

“okay, weirdo,” wooyoung poked back fondly.

another couple minutes passed, both sitting fully frozen on opposite ends of the couch, only their thumbs moving against their phone screens.

“um.” san started again, then he chuckled awkwardly to himself and wooyoung looked up at him quizically for a moment before looking back to his game. san had put his phone down and turned it off and was just kind of looking around the room. he looked back to wooyoung from the corner of his eye. one more moment, then another passed. wooyoung heard san inhale one deep breath before, “i’m gay. so um,” another awkward, forced laughed, “there’s that.”

wooyoung’s eyebrows rose, followed by his eyes to meet san’s. “oh. that’s cool, san-ah,” he smiled gently, looking at his friend, and watched some anxiety wash off the other’s face. “thanks for telling me. do you wanna talk about it more?”

san hummed a bit to himself. “i guess?” he said as a genuine smile spread across his face this time, his sweet dimples popping out. “that felt so good to finally say.”

“have you told anyone else?” asked wooyoung, fully turning his body to face san, giving him his full attention.

“no, not really. you’re the only one so _pleasedonttellanyoneelse_ ,” san rushed out, like his brain hadn’t quite gotten there at the start of the sentence but by the end he had found something new to worry about.

“yeah, of course not san-ah. i promise,” and wooyoung held out his pinky finger to link with san’s. they locked fingers and wooyoung brought their thumbs to press together firmly. “how did you figure it out?”

“i’ve known for a long time really, decided years ago that i didn’t need to tell anyone and could just ignore it and hopefully it would go away. but at a certain point i started to accept it about myself and that it wasn't going to go away, but then came the realization that…” he paused and his eyebrows pushed together. “that there’s very few people in my life that won’t be disappointed. even if they don’t — i don’t know — disown me or whatever, they’ll still be disappointed. that’s the worst feeling ever.”

“ah. that’s what you were talking about the other day,” said wooyoung, pulling san closer by the hand he hadn’t let go of yet. san half-shuffled-half-crawled towards wooyoung on the couch and flopped onto his chest, wrapping his arms around him and really smushing his face into wooyoung. “well, now you’ve told one person and they weren’t disappointed at all. so that’s a 100% zero disappointment rating so far.” wooyoung said, nuzzling his nose and cheek into san’s hair.

“true,” san said, voice muffled by wooyoung’s body. “i still feel pretty worried about it all though.”

“yeah, i understand that. it’s not the nicest world we live in, is it?” wooyoung said, pinching san’s upper arm gently. “but i promise you san, if you decide to tell anyone else, i’ll stand by you for every second. not even a god up above could stop me from loving you. you’re my best friend. amicas ad aras, right?”

san nodded his head against wooyoung and squeezed his arms around him even tighter.

“you know this won’t change a thing with the rest of the members either, right? we all love you so much san-ah,” said wooyoung.

“yeah i know, but i can’t help being scared. the thought of this little thing about me changing anything is scarier than reality is real,” san felt those words to be wholly true on his tongue, like he had somehow managed to encapsulate all his anxious feelings about this over the last decade or so in that one sentence. “i do wanna tell them though. soon would be nice.”

“well let me know and i’ll be there.” wooyoung smiled down at san who had lifted his head to look at him, their faces just a couple inches apart.

“thank you, wooyoung-ah.”

“of course san. i’m proud of you. and i love you.”

“i love you too, wooyoung.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you looked up projection in the dictionary they would link you here....i hope you enjoyed this personal reflection of mine LMAO. 
> 
> let me know if you want my to continue this? cause i kinda wanna have an epilogue of san coming out to the rest of the members but also the chances of me actually getting around to writing that are not looking so good.
> 
> follow me on twitter [@pansykoo](twitter.com/pansykoo) or also [@sanIesbian](twitter.com/saniesbian) which is my main ateez stan account...


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